Why not...

I don't have an agenda today. It has been a long time since I wrote on this blog, and I figured it would be a good idea to write a few things down while I sit at Starbucks. When I was younger, I was full of piss and vinegar. I always had to have a cause bigger than myself to work on. It was either either animal rights, liberalism, environmentalism, or anything hippyesque that I could attach myself to. In retrospect, I had to have a cause greater than myself in order to avoid my own issues. The deepest struggles a man can endure are the ones within himself. I think it is nobler to harness yourself than it is to conquer the world.

Lately, I have tried to let life be a beautiful journey, and it has been pretty cool. I like the fact that as long as I live, I am still learning, and no matter how hard I try, there is still room for self improvement. Life was not designed to be dull and mundane. It was designed to be trying, and out of the chaos of existence comes growth. I figure, as long as I keep growing, I will keep living.

Washing of the water...

Alright folks, this is going to be a different sort of blog.  I am listening to a song that aptly describes my mood, and I am going to attempt to write to it for a few minutes.  Before you read any farther, PLEASE YOUTUBE WASHING OF THE WATER BY PETER GABRIEL

  I believe that there is one common denominator in my suffering, and that is me.  Yes, some things that happened to me in my life were not my fault, but that does not excuse me for my transgressions.  The bigger question is what do I do with the shame, guilt, and fear.  Neither of these three feelings are inherently bad, but they don't leave much room for grace.  I think, as a christian, I spend way too much time bargaining for grace and not enough time relying on God to cover my sins in his unconditional love.  I do not know where I would be if it weren't for the sacrifice of Jesus.  Thank God for a gentler path, though it may be the road less traveled.

The courage to get out of bed...

For as long as I can remember, courage has been a funny word to me.  For most of my life, I have had a skewed view towards what courage is.  I always thought that it took courage to do things like play football in the NFL, cage fight, and climb mountains.  Lately I have changed my views on courage.  Now I think courage is the art of doing the next right thing.

I firmly believe that in our society, we put way too much emphasis on risk vs reward.  I bought into that idea for a long long time.  I thought to myself, if I can reach this status, hit this goal, or earn this much money, people will respect me.  Now I am learning, at the ripe age of 25, that most people don't care.  My calculated risks I am taking today revolve around getting through college, starting a carreer, and relying on God to provide me with my needs.

The common denominator in all my life's conundrums has been me.  The more I rely on God, the easier my life becomes.  It is a simple solution, but adhering to it is far more complex than I can put into words.  Courage is getting on my knees and praying everyday, and knowing that my life is in the hands of my creator.  It takes courage to tap out, lean back, and surrender myself to God.  It takes courage to live.

Life on life's terms...

It is so easy to wonder what life would be like if I wouldn't have made a few mistakes along the way.  I think everyone has that point of regret.  I just spent several hours writing my life story in about 5 pages.

Having all that out of me is emotionally draining.  Putting pen to paper and seeing how if I would have done a few things differently, I could be some place better right now is tough.  It is exacerbated by the fact that I am trying to live my life on God's terms.  I want to tell my God that I know what I want, and he should give it to me because I always know what is best.  Fortunately, I don't have that luxury.  Instead, thank God that there are no time machines because perfection is a silly idea for humanity.

Darkest before dawn...

I am going to break format for this blog.  I have been feeling really down lately unless I am with other people.  I do not know what God has in store for me, but I know that I have to put faith in him.  I am at the point where I believe that faith is an action instead of an idea.  I am walking in the dark, but I have faith that God will guide me.  As much as the last 2 months have challenged me in ways that I could never have anticipated, I have faith that things will work out in God's way.  It is just hard waiting until it all happens.

Blake

Uncertainty...

Living in the moment is a beautiful thing, forgetting about the past nearly impossible, and looking to the future is daunting sometimes.  I really don't know a great way to do any of the three, but right now it is on my heart to write about it, so I am going to do best to stay in the moment for the next ten minutes or so.

Lately, I have been dealt a few critical blows in my structure of life.  I lost things that seemed to me to be irreplacable, and to a certain extent, I believe I was right.  Fortunately, I can use my personal losses to the benefit of my relationship with Christ.  I do not know where I would be without him right now.  I could be wallowed up in a hole right now, drowning my emotions in liquid courage, but I am hanging onto Christ's love to afford me a better future.

The past is something that I cannot afford to forget.  It is precisely what got me to where I am right now.  I am going to be brutally honest right now, I can see how God is using this to make me a better man right now.  I am not my past, but I hope to never go back to that place, and with the God of my understanding, I do not have to.

The future is a void.  It is like walking through a cave.  It will take me a long time to see precisely what the future has in store for me, but I do know that no matter what, I want to be an active part of it.  The key to my future right now is putting my God before my judgement because left to my own devices, I found a sinkhole in my life that I climbed down into.

This summer is full of hope...

Blake

Man Vs God + Life

Dear life,
   I often have no idea why I am here.  I want to blame you for all my earthly problems.  As a man, I think it is my duty to solve all the worlds issues, complain about the ones I can't, and live in a way that accommodates my needs.

  I just want to take a moment out of my day to thank my creator.  Thank God that I can't solve all the worlds problems.  Hell (pun intended), I have a hard enough time resolving my own turmoil that I so often create.  In fact, I will go as far as to say that it is impossible for me to resolve my own issues.  All I can do is stay in the moment to try to take something out of my own issues.

  On that note, I am a master complainer.  What isn't my problem to solve is often times a liability to my better judgement.  Oft I try to be the one in the middle of a tornado, but I find that that is the most damaging spot to be.  Sometimes it is better to have mental awareness than it is to reflect my own issues around to the world.  On that note, Thank God that I have very little control in this world.  If the stakes were higher, I might try to raise them even more.  It is just my nature as a man.

   As far as my needs are concerned, I have no way of knowing procisely what they are.  I only know that they are met at the moment.  I have a glass of water by side, a computer I can vent with, and a family that loves me.  If I begin doubting for a moment that my life is easier without a God, I do not think I could be as content as I am today.

  Frankly, I have so much to be unhappy about right now.  Thank God that for the moment, I am in the moment.   Life, thank you for teaching me a few hard lessons to learn.  I just pray to my God that you are gentle on me because right now I am climbing a ladder out of a gigantic hole.  Perhaps it is a God shaped hole that will fill itself over time.  I just never wanna lose that ladder again.

Gratefully yours,
Blake

The art of crying

I spent a good portion of the last ten or fifteen years thinking that I had forgotten how to cry.  I am not certain why, but I will try to gather my thoughts on it...  I had to grow up too young,, it was not a strong position to take in any fight, and laughing about hard times was more fun.

This is my second week in a row where I have been moved to tears multiple times.  I embrace it like a dear friend, lost but not forgotten...

I think for as long as I can remember, I was trying to be an adult.  It comes from growing faster than most and staying big.  I decided at a young age that I would never tolerate anything less than the best from myself, and this led to a potent breed of apathy and self deception.

Fighting is something that has always come natural to me.  I am not one to lay my hands on someone else, but I love to fight an uphill battle with words.  I am by nature a person of action, and this has led to an egocentric position on life.  I have been under the misconception that crying is weak.

Some say that laughter is the best medicine.  I am going to debunk that myth right now.  Don't get me wrong, when I start telling jokes, I am in my element.  Driving with tears in my eyes over a beautiful song, and empathy for my fellow people of the world are two beautiful things that have been made possible through tears.

I pray for myself to be able to cry more unabashedly in life, to laugh when I can't, and to always empathize because in the grand scheme of things, I am a small thing in a universe that is unfathomably complex.  Like everything, the beauty is in the details.

Poetry in motion...

Praise to the father for giving me love...
Praise to the maker for giving me sun...
Praise to the woman for giving me strife
Praise to my mama for giving me life...

Praise to the maker for loving me best
Praise to the teachers for giving me test
Praise to the football for giving me fight...
Praise to my papa for all the insight...

Love is a great thing that makes my grape grow
God is a challenge that keeps me more whole...
Life is a tough meat that I like to chew...
Sometimes I like smoking, what can you do?

(Rinse and repeat...)

Good mourning heartache...

I really have nothing to say right now so here comes the rant.  I hurt so bad right now.  Left to my own fruition, I created the perfect ass whipping.  I can safely say that physically, I have only lost one fight in my life.  My biggest enemy is myself.

It is like I am in the middle of an ocean of desparity.  I have a life vest on, and the sharks are close by.  I am waiting for something, anything, to come to my rescue.  Right now though, I do not quite no which direction the shore is, but I say screw it!!!  I am going to get to that shore on the other side.  At this point in my life, I am not sure if I will ever make it, but I am going to try hard.

 I am jacks broken spirit, and his empty cup.  Fill me up, my higher power...

Grief Vs Loss...

Loss is one of the most challenging things you can go through in life.  Grief is a natural part of loss.  It is a delicate balance to lose and to grieve.  Right now I am in pain, and writing is therapeutic to me.  If you know me personally, I may tell you what is going on.

Loss is something that I am constantly afraid of.  To be brutally honest, death is not the scariest thing in the world to me.  Losing my freedom, losing my ability to fend for myself, and paralysis are scary to me.  I have learned from past experience that pain to me temporary, but scars can last forever.  The opposite of love is not hate.  Hate is a dispicable emotion, but according to a man wiser than me, a great author, who wrote the book  NIGHT.  At the end of that book, the author explains that the opposite of Love is apathy.  I am inclined to agree.

I will not be apathetic in my grief.  I will sit through pain, and I may feel anger, but the opposite of anger is not hate.  Love is a powerful emotion, and a gentle way of life.

PAIN is temporary, PRIDE IS FOREVER...

I saw this on a tee-shirt at football camp when I was 15 and very impressionable.  Pain doesn't have to be temporary if you don't want it to be, pride comes before a fall, and getting back up is a beautiful thing.  I do not believe that there is anything inherently wrong with pain.  My foot hurt tonight from just standing on my feet for too long today, I got scars all over my body for different injuries, and I have been burned badly a few times by the world (typically people in it).

Pride is a more complicated issue for me.  To this day, it brings up copacetic tendencies.  I am not quite certain what triggers it, but I have issues when someone insults something I am good at.  I do not always take criticism well, but I still wanna here it.  To top it off, it is a tight rope walk over two green pastures when you have pride.  The greener grass could be humility or hubris.  Today I am aiming for humility.

Falling down in life is easy to do.  Any one of us could give up everything we have and try living under a bridge.  I have respect for anyone who gets back up.  Right now I am in intense emotional duress.  The only commitment I have made to myself is to put down my proverbial shovel, stand up, and try to climb out of this emotional fox hole which was too big for me in the first place...

WITH LOVE.

Duality in a trinity...

Singularity, a staunch idea, is not inherently evil.  It breeds good things like incredible technology, ideology, and pornography.  2 of those things, I believe are inherently good.  You can guess for the duration of my lifetime which one I think is wrong, but I am not one to judge other people.  I think ideology is easy to mix breeds with, and combined with technology, it is a powerful tool, but it is not inherently good...

Pornography can be a coping "mechanizm," but it is not love.  This blog is going to be based around the ideology of love.  What is love, how do you describe it, and how is it tangible in your life?

It should be noted that the author(s) of this blog are going through intense amounts of pain, and is willing to let it go.  This tool is a coping mechanism for which they are willing to accept.

Gratitude is an action, and I am grateful for any listeners.  I do not need your feedback, but all feedback is welcomed.